In the midst of Dubai's skyscraper derby, it would be only natural to think that we will be using more elevators than anytime before. And on this jolly occasion, i would like to highlight a few tips on the decorum of using those mechanical marvels. Something like the Ten Commandments of Using Elevators.
1. Thou shalt not press the UP button if you are going DOWN.
Or vice versa. Elevator UP/DOWN call buttons indicate your desire to whether go UP or DOWN – its THAT simple. If you were in an upper floor trying to go down; you press down. If you think that because you are upstairs, and pressing UP means asking the elevator to come UP to you, do everyone a favor and take the friggen stairs.
2. Thou shalt not press the elevator call button repeatedly, frantically and obsessively.
Though they were created in the late 19th century, elevators are intelligent creations and they do get it from the first time. Pressing the elevator call button at the speed of a 100 clicks/second will not make it arrive any faster or ignore the rest of the floors in the building. So keep your pants on and wait like the rest.
3. Thou shalt not smoke, burp or fart in an elevator.
Even if you were alone, that doesn't mean that the elevator won't stop at a floor and innocent human beings might come on board with you or after you disembark. So, if you feel the urge to discharge any lethal emissions, take a fart/burp walk before you catch the lift … and I am sure you can hold your nicotine-rush for 15 seconds.
4. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions when taking elevators.
The flashing arrows on top or next to elevators are not Christmas decorations. Thanks to LCD technology, all elevators have brightly lit indicators signing out their direction. So, instead of looking like an idiot and wasting everyone's time asking dumb questions like "up or down?", pahhhleeeeaas take a quick glance at the flashing arrows and make up your damn mind.
5. Thou shall not squeeze thyself in crammed elevator.
There is absolutely no need to stuff yourself in that moving human sardine can. Even if you were in a hurry. I mean, lets face it, you will be only rushing yourself to what? To get stuck in the world's larges parking lot - SZR. Chill out and grab the next elevator.
6. Thou shalt honor 'first-come-first-in' statute
The fact that you don't have any consideration to personal space, the concept of queuing or like a spineless reptile, you slipped yourself through the crowds to land right next to the elevator door, does NOT give you the right to take the elevator before the people who were there before you.
7. Thou shalt not obstruct movement of other elevator passengers
If you are next to the door, GET OUT. The "ladies first" rule doesn't always apply in elevators. Especially if the unlucky damsel is stuck way at the back of the lift. By you standing like a horny temple gargoyle, pretending to hold the door open for her, you are standing in the way you numbwitz.
8. When choosing a floor, thou shalt make sure yer 100% awake, conscience and free of any chemical or natural muscle relaxants.
There is nothing more annoying than that clumsy button pusher who takes him/her 3 or 4 wrong presses until the right floor button is hit. If you are like that, you should be in mental institute hitting Prozac or Valium instead.
9. Thou shalt not get too close to others in elevators.
Even though you are confined to a small footprint, that doesn't mean you get your body as humanly possible close to the lady person in front of you. She is not enjoying neither your brutal invasion to her personal space nor your body odor. As a matter of fact, the reason why she is so quiet about you crawling up to her, is because she is visualizing how many ways can she shove the emergency telephone handset up your @$$.
10. Upon entering the elevator, thou shalt peacefully greet others
Come on now, cheer up. Even for 15 seconds, forget all about DEWA bills, etisalat bills, credit card bills, rent due, car loan, personal loan, second credit card bills, traffic jams, bosses, clients, locals, expats, sub-cons, bad customer service, wife, girlfriend, mistress, ... don't think any of that whack. When entering an elevator, leave it all behind smile, say good morning, good evening or goodnight... and enjoy the ride.