Dubai Consumer Mirror

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Sing along: this Burj is my Burj, That burj is your Burj ...

Almost everyone I spoke to over this weekend mentioned this "Burj Al Arabi" project thing. Bloggers talked about it, 7days took swings at this project-to-be for 2 days now.

Bottomline: everyone hates it!

But why? Is it really worse than the Big Ben replica tower on Sh. Zayed Road? Or the one that rotates? Or that falcon city of wonders with its not-so-original designs?

Not really!

My take on this is that the reason for this sever backlash is due to an extreme case of expat jealousy.

You see, we expats are the majority of the UAE population. We came to this great land and are actively contributing to its development and growth. Very few of us get recognised and we would like our fair share of this property bonanza.

So, if I were the developer of this oversized man-in-kandoura project, I would like to propose something to give some credit back to our hardworking expatriate community.

Maybe the following property concepts to be built somewhere in the vicinity of Burj Al Arabi:


Special facilities:
- Special pre-branded closets and storage compartments with brands such as Zara, River Island and Massimo Dutti and Fake AX, Fake CK and Fake Hugo Boss
- Centralized Hair Gel dispenser system with strong, extra strong and spiky strong options
- Extra ATMs to be activated end of every month to help pay off massive amount of credit card bills, car loans and personal loan
- Shuttle Bus services to all major Dubai clubbing spots available around the clock- All branches of coffee brands available at food court with door-to-door latte delivery
- In-house car mechanic that specialize in fixing 1980 to 1990 model BMWs only
- Every tenant receives 1 full shisha kit with personlised engraved pipe


Special facilities:
- Tower floors divided according to profession: Barber, laundry, Cafeteria, Office boy , illegal car lift driver, visa wrangler
- Inhouse training centre for special classes offered in
* Linguistics: Mastering AraHinEnglish (bas babe, no gerger kalam wajed)
* Physics: Advanced Carpooling 101 (Evasive maneuvers to conquer Dubai-Sharjah-Ajman Highway and detect/evade police patrols )
* Psychology: Get out of trouble by pretending not to understand anything said around you(Ana mafi Kalam Arabi)
- State-of-the-art bicycle parking and storage facility
- Each tenant to recieve free copy of the book "Satwa, The Hidden Treasures"


Special facilities:
- Maximum occupancy per tenant is 2 to 3 weeks only
- Central laundry for white linen garment washing only
- In house visa issue and typing centres
- Specialized Gold Souk at mezzanine floor with Russian speaking sales staff
- Door to door VISA renewal, cash delivery and transfer services available
- Instant service business centre for those last minute changes on fake business cards
- Free Copy of the best selling book "How to be deported from Dubai as Boris and comback as Evan"
- Each tenant to receive complete map and tour guide to Dubai hottest free-hold property developers and gold shops.


Special Facilities
- In House psychiatry clinics to resolve all your Dubai traffic trauma syndrome
- Never worry about not having the right change: Each housing unit has a centralized self replenishing automated money change maker thingi.
- All housing unit front doors are fixed with state of the art walk-in body and breath odor detector and to help decide if its time for a shower this month or not
- Print shop and emergency parking services available for those last minute demonstration needs
- Every tenant will get a free copy of “How to turn down those short Five- dirhams-only rides without getting reported to Arbab”


Special Facilities
- Maximum capacity allowed per room is 10 pax only
- Residents of this tower get mean and dirty looks from Jumeirah Janes no more with the in house shopping mall and supermarket
- Housing units are designed in a way that residents will able to actually cook, bathe and sleep in separate rooms
- Maximum bunk-bed height not to exceed 2 beds per wall
- Ample and convenient bus parking space available
- Special spaces and lots for non-paid demonstrations (available with disposable office equipment for trash purposes)


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