Dubai Consumer Mirror

Saturday, November 12, 2005

RANDOM POST - Ten Commandments of Elevators

In the midst of Dubai's skyscraper derby, it would be only natural to think that we will be using more elevators than anytime before. And on this jolly occasion, i would like to highlight a few tips on the decorum of using those mechanical marvels. Something like the Ten Commandments of Using Elevators.

1. Thou shalt not press the UP button if you are going DOWN.

Or vice versa. Elevator UP/DOWN call buttons indicate your desire to whether go UP or DOWN – its THAT simple. If you were in an upper floor trying to go down; you press down. If you think that because you are upstairs, and pressing UP means asking the elevator to come UP to you, do everyone a favor and take the friggen stairs.

2. Thou shalt not press the elevator call button repeatedly, frantically and obsessively.

Though they were created in the late 19th century, elevators are intelligent creations and they do get it from the first time. Pressing the elevator call button at the speed of a 100 clicks/second will not make it arrive any faster or ignore the rest of the floors in the building. So keep your pants on and wait like the rest.

3. Thou shalt not smoke, burp or fart in an elevator.

Even if you were alone, that doesn't mean that the elevator won't stop at a floor and innocent human beings might come on board with you or after you disembark. So, if you feel the urge to discharge any lethal emissions, take a fart/burp walk before you catch the lift … and I am sure you can hold your nicotine-rush for 15 seconds.

4. Thou shalt not ask stupid questions when taking elevators.

The flashing arrows on top or next to elevators are not Christmas decorations. Thanks to LCD technology, all elevators have brightly lit indicators signing out their direction. So, instead of looking like an idiot and wasting everyone's time asking dumb questions like "up or down?", pahhhleeeeaas take a quick glance at the flashing arrows and make up your damn mind.

5. Thou shall not squeeze thyself in crammed elevator.

There is absolutely no need to stuff yourself in that moving human sardine can. Even if you were in a hurry. I mean, lets face it, you will be only rushing yourself to what? To get stuck in the world's larges parking lot - SZR. Chill out and grab the next elevator.

6. Thou shalt honor 'first-come-first-in' statute

The fact that you don't have any consideration to personal space, the concept of queuing or like a spineless reptile, you slipped yourself through the crowds to land right next to the elevator door, does NOT give you the right to take the elevator before the people who were there before you.

7. Thou shalt not obstruct movement of other elevator passengers

If you are next to the door, GET OUT. The "ladies first" rule doesn't always apply in elevators. Especially if the unlucky damsel is stuck way at the back of the lift. By you standing like a horny temple gargoyle, pretending to hold the door open for her, you are standing in the way you numbwitz.

8. When choosing a floor, thou shalt make sure yer 100% awake, conscience and free of any chemical or natural muscle relaxants.

There is nothing more annoying than that clumsy button pusher who takes him/her 3 or 4 wrong presses until the right floor button is hit. If you are like that, you should be in mental institute hitting Prozac or Valium instead.

9. Thou shalt not get too close to others in elevators.

Even though you are confined to a small footprint, that doesn't mean you get your body as humanly possible close to the lady person in front of you. She is not enjoying neither your brutal invasion to her personal space nor your body odor. As a matter of fact, the reason why she is so quiet about you crawling up to her, is because she is visualizing how many ways can she shove the emergency telephone handset up your @$$.

10. Upon entering the elevator, thou shalt peacefully greet others

Come on now, cheer up. Even for 15 seconds, forget all about DEWA bills, etisalat bills, credit card bills, rent due, car loan, personal loan, second credit card bills, traffic jams, bosses, clients, locals, expats, sub-cons, bad customer service, wife, girlfriend, mistress, ... don't think any of that whack
. When entering an elevator, leave it all behind smile, say good morning, good evening or goodnight... and enjoy the ride.

16 Comments:

  • This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger BuJ, at November 12, 2005 at 5:07 AM  

  • very useful info but it reminds me with:

    اذا لم تستحي ففعل ما شئت

    so i just hope these guys have some 7aya left otherwise you're wasting your time!

    good effort never the less!

    i would like to add an 11th: Give the lifts a rest and your heart a favour if you're going down and take the stairs instead.

    By Blogger BuJ, at November 12, 2005 at 5:11 AM  

  • Nice observations Moryarti.
    Nice no.11 Buj, good thinking.
    How about No.12 : To ladies with long flowing hair, PLS do not flick your hair over your shoulder when in an elevator. Even if it is clean and lustrous, it really bloody stings the eyes of the person behind you. ( a very good tool against gropers).

    By Blogger CG, at November 12, 2005 at 10:13 AM  

  • Unless your floor is more than 5 floors up.. please use the stairs.. its healthier !

    Although most staircases/ exits these days are unofficial smoking rooms. so although your heart might be stronger, your lungs could get weaker..

    I don't know why but here people hardly greet other people while entering an elevator.. what do you lose with a simple hello a good morning or a smile.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at November 12, 2005 at 12:41 PM  

  • Remember what mum & dad taught us?? Do not speak to Strangers!!!!!! Hahahahaha

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at November 12, 2005 at 4:31 PM  

  • Exceelnt observations Professore.
    Its so creepy but I had a weird incident this morning in the elevator,logged on to write about it and then saw your blog on same subject.
    Coming back after dropping off my little chica at school, I was pleased to see someone had stopped the elvator for me.Upon enetering I wasnt so pleased as this big coloured guy tried to chat me up. Yewwwwwwww! I think he may have been shoplifting as he had stuffed his purchases into his trousers.(BLUSH!!!) another day of being thankful for living on the 3rd floor.

    By Blogger kaya, at November 13, 2005 at 8:56 AM  

  • Its 7:15 am and I had just stepped into my elevator was getting ready for the 13 floor drop adventure. When suddenly the elevator stops at floor 7 and in come in 2 "arabic / northern african" couples, whom to me looked more eastern.

    It was Saturday, and why were they all dressed up, more looked like that they were re-dressed up, from obvious hair and make-up flaws and stress free facial expressions and grins. It didnt take much to figure out that they had just concluded their "adult party".

    They chose to beleive that i was not arabic, although I look it and sometimes smell it, and went ahead and spilled the beans. They spoke of "chopping the cats head" which in common day english means "sealing the deal" and so on....

    Obviously i chose to remain quiet until we reached the ground floor and one of the men held the elevator door open for me and said in english "Please go ahead", I replied in arabic, "La2, inta tfadal" --> meaning, "no you go first".....The look on his face was worth millions.

    Commandment number 11 ladies and gentlemen.... NEVER underestimate the linguistical(i don't even know if this word exists)Capabilities of the people / person in the elevator with you, and try to avoid emabarrasing situations as such. Or not, and keep me entertained.

    By Blogger Makdizzle, at November 13, 2005 at 9:32 AM  

  • hey mory i saw yer comment on my post about names...

    I like Talia the best. I would spell it that way instead of Thalia to avoid your daughter having to correct all the -th- sayers she meets in her life time.

    It is pretty, sounds aesthetically good in all languages, and is unique.

    Good luck and many congrads on the little Moryette :)

    By Blogger luckyfatima, at November 13, 2005 at 9:56 AM  

  • @Kaya - me feels sorry for you for having to go through this odd encounter with this over-excited perv ...

    By Blogger moryarti, at November 13, 2005 at 10:20 AM  

  • @Makdizzle: You have to start your own blog thingi .. that was hilarious :)

    By Blogger moryarti, at November 13, 2005 at 10:20 AM  

  • @luckyfatima: thanks for the feedback ... it was our first option as well :)

    By Blogger moryarti, at November 13, 2005 at 10:21 AM  

  • Mory: you forgot one. Though shalt not rush headlong into the elevator until those people wishing to get out have done so.

    By Blogger Keefieboy, at November 13, 2005 at 4:37 PM  

  • WELL CONGRATS PROFESSORE!!!!!!!!!!You got a new baby and u didnt devote an ENTIRE BLOG to her.. NOT FAIR.
    But many many congrats.Pray for health of baby and mom.

    By Blogger kaya, at November 15, 2005 at 9:21 AM  

  • Kaya, I don't think he actually has the baby yet....still cooking.


    CG

    By Blogger CG, at November 15, 2005 at 10:53 AM  

  • true ... we have about 3 months to go.

    Nevertheless, thank you Kaya for your kind wishes .. very thoughtful of you :)

    By Blogger moryarti, at November 15, 2005 at 2:23 PM  

  • do not frat on elevator?. its strange, elevator is the best place to release frat

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at April 15, 2007 at 11:16 AM  

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