Stuck on you

In the past 3 months, I got atleast a dozen headhunters offering me jobs in Abu Dhabi ... Half of them offering crazy jobs paying more than two times my salary.

I turned them all down.

Abu Dhabi can't lure me enough like the good ol' D to the X to the B.

What do you think guys?

Dubai Motorists: brace yourselves!

Because Salik is back ....and this time, its back with Vengeance.

The Salik road toll system is to be expanded to all major roads and bridges in Dubai in a major push to get people to use public transport, Emirates Business 247 has learned.

OKAY.... it doesn't take a rocket scientist to say that this strategy is doomed to fail.

If ALL major roads have Salik, and majority of car owners still can not and will not use public transportation, one might as well use the road with shortest distance.

And that is, ladies and gentlemen, taking everyone back so square one.

Challenge me..

7 things I am NOT on Facebook for

1. Be attacked, hit, bitten, and spanked by ninja zombies, rasta vampires, firey werewolves or spacy pirates. I just wanna catch up with some old friends.

2. Recieve ancient YouTube clips over and over AND over again. If someone sends me that "evolution of dance" clip one more time, I swear I will evolve my foot up his ass

3. Be poked, hugged, kissed, tugged, shoved, kicked, X-ed, slapped or spanked. Try doing that in person and you'll get my other foot up your ass

And dudes.. stop poking other dudes. Poking is for chics.

4. Joining pointless groups - I am sorry, but i am not interested in joining a Dubai based group that offers solid gold baby pacifiers with studded Swarovski chrystals. (Not a joke)

5. Receive Fortune cookies, animals to pet, plants to grow, cocktails, chocolate boxes, thongs or fluffy hand cuffs. If you really wanna give me something, give it to me in person you cheap skank.

6. Rate whether you are "Hot or Not". The fact that you are on Facebook makes the answer to that question very easy.

7. And Thank you very much. I do not want to know which Lost, Prison Brake, Desperate Housewives, Sex In the City, Ugly Betty, Heroes or Family Guy character you are. You are a loser.

A real nut case..

I don't know about you, but I certainly enjoyed today's print of GulfNews; especially this story..

Construction worker loses left nut after b!tch slapping boss.

The supervisor, who is currently detained, said: "After I asked him to stop using the phone he cursed and slapped me so I unintentionally kicked him..."

Wonder if the victim still has any hard feelings ...

Pimp my Salik!

Next time you walk around in a parking lot, take a quick glance at the parked cars with all the Salik tags on them.

Doesn't the view remind you of something like this?

I mean, seriously guys .. why does all the tags HAVE to be in that pale orange color? Is there any functional need for the sticker to be spotted a mile away? Why not have it in transparent or black color? If it was up to me, black would've been ideal. Because once you paste it on the windshield, the sticker will virtually disappear.

OK, here is an idea. Since everyone really REALLY hates Salik now, Maybe RTA should consider giving Salik a makeover ... perhaps it would ease on some of the flak they've been getting in the press everyday.

So, RTA, here it goes:
Why not re-introduce Salik tags in a wild range of colors. Giving our stylish drivers the chance to customize their Salik tags in a color that matches their ride, their mood and their personality?

With almost ALL cars in Dubai mostly white and silver; black, white and gray tags will be flying off shelves. Red, blue and their shades can be available..

I've rarely see any green or brown; besides, who the hell would wanna own a green car?!


I think it will work.


I mean, lets face it. We are building towers that spin, buildings shaped after local men and MP3 players, dumping the sea to build islands that look like trees, bars made out of ice and everything from personal loans to grape shisha can be delivered to your house.


Why wouldn't a limited edition colored Salik tags work?







Of course, "special" color collection for our bright-colored-car-owner friends from Oman is available. :)

The psudo-local expats syndrom

Many of you will hate me for this, but i am going to let it out anyways.

Why is it that many Arab expats in the GCC, once they get a job in a government body, they get on the most condescending-patronizing-pompous attitude? And that alter-ego persona is only summoned like a vengeful mammoth when they are needed by other expats? Is it an inferiority complex? Do they get so abused due to the fact they are non-nationals in a national organisation, so they unleash this power trip on us, their fellow Arab compatriots?

Usually, you'd hear stories about notional public servants being A-holes to their customers. And I can't deny i haven't had my share of those. But I am not exaggerating when I say, whenever there an expat on the other line/side of the counter - anything that can go wrong, goes wrong.

One very striking example was my experience with Etisalat: I am sure you remember my problem with this incumbent Telco. I was offline for over 6 months before I got a phone line and ADSL.

For my application, I was asked to followup on Etisalat's 101 customer service number.

Of course, every time I had to narrate a brief situation background to why I am without a service all this time; in addition to my personal detail such as telephone number, name, address ...etc.

Whenever I get a UAE national on the phone, he (or she) would usually do the impossible to find out the status of the application, call up all the different department - engineering, operations or whoever... They would never let me hang up before I receive an answer that's satisfying enough.

But when i get an Arab expat on the phone, Oh dear God.

All of a sudden, I receive answers like: "I can't retrieve any information from the system.", "You shouldn't call this number. You need to dial XXX", or "I don't know when they will fix it. Call tomorrow"

One particular Arab expat agent was either extremely stupid or "being ANAL" was an integral component of her DNA map.

Here is why:

Me: Hello, I'd like to followup on a phone line application please. I have the phone number I applied for.
Annoying Arab Expat Female Agent: I need the application number
Me: I don't really have the application number, but you should be able to get it from the telephone number I applied for.
AAEFA: No I can't
Me: Pardon me, but I've called many time before and your colleagues never asked me for an application number.
AAEFA: One minute
(heard a long sigh in the background and abrupt striking on keyboard)
AAEFA: Whats the number.
(I give her the number)
AAEFA: Who's name does the number belong to?
(I give her my name)
AAEFA: No, that's not the name.
Me: It is, I've been calling twice a week for the past 3 months. Agents retrieve my name, my home address and everything.
AAEFA: But the number is not in your name
Me: It should be. That's the number I applied for. How come your colleagues always get my info out of it?
AAEFA: The application is in your name. But the telephone number is still in the previous onwers' name because its not installed for you yet.
Me: (total silence)


Seriously, why does Etisalat employ such imbecile buffoons?

PR Sexecutive

This is an email trail that landed in my inbox that I HAD to share with you.

A PR executive working on behalf of one of her clients, Durex. Apparently she was trying -admirably- to push editors of a number of magazines to review her clients range of sexual products and lubricants in a 'tried and tested' sextion, er... I mean section.

The problem was, in my opinion, is not that she was targeting the wrong kind of magazines: TimeOut, an entertainment magazine, Charged: IT "gadgets" monthly and Boat Owner ME, an exclusive title no boats, yachts and lifestyle water sports.

The problem was ... well... just read the whole thing :)

-----Original Message-----
From: PR Executive
To: Editor 1
Subject: Durex play line competition with magazine

Dear Editor1,

Hope all is well.

Your colleague, Editor2, asked me to get in touch with you regarding your "gadget" magazine called "Charged" .

We want to work a competition out with Durex and Charged magazine on the "New Durex play line".

Please find attached the latest press release and product shot from Durex on its new range of products "PLAY" and a product shot for your reference.

We would like to run a competition with Time Out magazine where we give out the entire 'play line range' for 3-5 winners atleast.

We could also do a "tried and tested feature" along with the competition from the Charged magazine team.

Would be great to get your testimonials. What do you think?

Kindly let me know your thoughts.

Many thanks
PR Executive

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Editor 1
To: PR Executive
Subject: RE: Durex play line competition with Charged magazine

Hi PR Executive, Thanks very much for your email.

I spoke to Editor2 last week and he had told me you would get in touch.

I think your idea is a fantastic one - one that we would normally definitely consider for the pages of my gadget magazine "Charged".

In the past we have had several reviews of "adult" products and gadgets that we have rated and tested following an extensive period of use.

We would normally love to include a "tried and tested" feature using the full Play range with our testimonials.

However, the entire Charged team has recently taken a vow of celibacy for a local charity that looks after stray dogs.

You may have heard of it - Stray Away - No Sex Helps Rex.

This unfortunately means we won't be able to fully utilise any of your products for the next two months if we are to earn the 1000 dirhams we hope to raise.

I am, understandably, disappointed at this situation, but can give you the name of someone who would certainly be interested in your ideas.

Editor3, is Time Out's nightlife editor, so has been on various fact-finding missions regarding night time activities. He has also written a number of freelance articles regarding safe sex, so I'm sure would jump at the opportunity.

Alternatively, I understand Boat Owner Middle East magazine includes a monthly section called Naughty Naval Nights which I think would be ideal.

Contact the editor Editor4.

I hope this helps.

Thanks,


-----Original Message-----

From: PR Executive
To: Editor1
Subject: RE: Durex play line competition with Charged magazine

Dear Editor1,

Thanks for your email, Hope to work with you in the future once your current charity project is over. Wish you and the team all the best on it.

Will get in touch with the persons you have referred.

Kind regards

PR Executive

-----Original Message-----

From: PR Executive
To: Editor3
Re: Durex play line competition with Time out

Dear Editor3,

Hope all is well.

Been trying to reach Editor4 on the below, however, glad you can assist me on this..

As per our conversation, we want to work a competition out with Durex and Time out magazine on the "New Durex play line". As per our conversation, Please find attached the latest press release and product shot from Durex on its new range of products "PLAY" and a product shot for your reference.

We would like to run a competition with Time out magazine where we give out the entire 'play line range' for 3-5 winners?

We could also do a "tried and tested feature" along with the competition from the Time out team.

Would be great to get your testimonials. What do you think?

Kindly let me know your thoughts.
Many thanks

PR Executive

-----Original Message-----

From: PR Executive
To: Editor3
RE: Durex play line competition with Time out

Hey Editor3,
I have not heard from you yet with regards to the below.
Look forward to your earliest reply.
Best regards,

PR Executive

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Editor3
To: PR Executive
Subject: RE: Durex play line competition with Time out

Really sorry. Can you e-mail my colleague Editor 4? He has done several articles on contraception and sexual enhancement aids in the past. He will sort it out


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: PR Executive
To: Editor 4
Subject: Durex play line competition with Time out

Dear Editor4,

I was in touch with a few of your work mates as you can see below till finally Editor3 informed me of the right man..being you:)

My clients are Durex and from the emails [above] we would like to run a competition with Time out magazine.

Look forward to your thoughts.

Best regards
PR Executive

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Editor4
To: PR Executive
Subject: RE: Durex play line competition with Time out

Hi,

My colleague, Mr Editor3, is relatively new to the team, so I will forgive him on this occasion for getting his sexperts mixed up.

The person you should contact is our colleague Editor2 who I believe has written many acclaimed articles of this nature in the past, notably 'Locating the G spot - it's as easy as ABC', New York Times 2004, and 'Cecil, Ted & Bubba and a pocketful of rubber', San Francisco Herlad 1998.

He's your man.
Regards,
Editor4

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: PR Executive
To: Editor 2
Subject: Durex play line competition with Time out

Dear Editor2,

It's taken a long journey to get here from the stream of emails below but I'm happy to hear from Editor4 about all the work you have done on sexual well being and HIV/AIDS social causes which I'm sure we could see how we can support you on any material or information you may ever need from DUREX.

Just to let you know Durex and albawaba.com have run a Middle East online sex survey last year which generated phenomenal results on the sexual habits of the Middle East region.

If you need statistics and more information on this, I can send across to you.

We will be conducting a new survey shortly this year as well. From my email [above] we would like to run a competition with Time out and Durex.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Best regards

PR Executive

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Editor2
To: PR Executive
Re: Durex play line competition with Time out

Hello
Thank you for your email. I must take up cudgels with my colleagues, who are labouring under the misapprehension that I am some kind of so-called "sexpert".

I am very shocked and horrified that they say these things about me.

I am a religious man and I do not discuss these things in private or indeed in public. I think it is all in very poor taste and to promote these products is quite contrary to the wishes and actions of decent minded Muslim individuals throughout the region.

And a Sex Survey? I can't believe such things exist in this country.

The very thought is upsetting in the extreme. I would very much like to read this sex survey. It would set my mind at ease.

I suggest if you wish to pursue this business, you take it up with my European colleagues who are much more "liberated" when it comes to such matters. I recommend you contact the gentleman who writes for our "gadget" magazine called "Charged", he is Editor1

With my best regards and hope that ultimately, you will find the correct recipient for your products, I remain

Yours
Editor2

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: PR Executive
To: Editor2
Re: Durex play line competition with Time out

Dear Editor2,
With all due respect in no way are we offending religion.

Our main purpose is to promote products which are being sold all over the Middle East to educate people about "SAFE SEX" and social causes such as "HIV and AIDS" and that equals to "saving lives".... very much just like a "Drive Safe" message by wearing a seatbelt.

With regards to your misunderstanding internally within ITP, I'm afraid thats an internal matter and I should respect that and suggest that should be taken up internally with your colleagues.

Best regards

PR Executive
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



So, what do you think was the problem? :o)

Where you on SZR last friday afternoon?

Nevermind those morons-on-wheels featured everyday in the now-almost-redundant-could-have-killed-someone page in Emirates today.

A John Doe driver of a white Toyota Previa is the real deal:

Dubai - A Dubai resident has described his horror after a “cold-blooded” driver rammed him off the road and drove off almost killing him and his pregnant wife. Nawras Sawalha has now appealed for eyewitnesses to the incident to help him find the driver so that he can be kept off the roads.


“This crazy driver could have killed us or could kill other people. My aim is to track him down and save others from tragedy,” said Sawalha, a PR manager based in Dubai. The incident happened last Friday afternoon when Sawalha, his pregnant wife and his sister-in-law were driving towards Wafi City on Sheikh Rashid Road.

Sawalha told 7DAYS that a male driver, in a white Toyota Previa, started flashing his lights and driving a few inches behind his car. “He was trying to race past me. I had nowhere to move to due to the traffic. Before I could get out of his way he deliberately rammed into the rear of my car,” said Sawalha.

His vehicle careered off the road due to the force of the impact and smashed into three street lights and a traffic sign before coming to a stop at the side of the road.

The tyres exploded, the axle was broken and the car was almost completely destroyed, Sawalha said.“All of us, thankfully, were wearing our seatbelts which saved us from death. The driver was in such a hurry that he just drove off without bothering to see what happened to us. He was so cold-blooded about this. Not only does he ram us off the road, but then drives off without caring. He is a maniac,” said Sawalha.

The family was in such shock that no one could remember the other driver’s number plate so have been unable to file an official complaint with police.

They are now desperately seeking any eyewitnesses who may have seen the speeding car. “We want to appeal to anyone who may have seen the car or noted the plate number to help us locate this person.

He could have killed us all,” said Sawalha.

Seriously, if anyone was there during this incident and can provide any detail, call it in on the Traffic Police Hotline on 800 4353!

Camera Control

Okay, this just came out of the gossip bakery.

Word on the street these days is Dubai Studio City is seriously considering slapping a new "Photography Permission" legislation for ANY photo session that takes anywhere in Dubai by anyone.

This permission will take 2 days to issue and will cost the applicant a whooping Dhs 500.

So, if your average photo shoot in Dubai costs between $100 - $200 per hour (depending on the photographer) there is a very strong chance that -as of the September 1st this year- Dhs 500 (aprox $150) will be added on top of that.

Oh, and dig this. This permission is required even if photo shoot is within company premises and done by company employed photographer. There is also talk that police will have executive authority to make sure this "regulation" is implemented.

Meaning, if police spot you snapping away people or buildings, they have the right to ask you for the permission and take action if you don't.

One person described it as "Salik for photographers" :)

My sixth sense